My First Santsang (aka Sedona Meltdown)

When I was a teenager I survived an intense 3 day LSD trip which was more like an insomniac blur…it involved a spontaneous 14 hour drive to the east coast, parading nude in the streets, quitting my lifeguard job, and sadly at the end of it thinking I was a video game character. Such are the whims of a bored teen growing up in southern Indiana.

Around this time my mom’s hippie friends Mark and Kim invited us to a satsang. ‘Satsang’ is a Sanskrit word that means “sacred gathering.” (Sat means truth and sang means community.) The gathering would be led by a female elder/ wise woman who had a spontaneous awakening while working in a factory, after which she lived & and studied with the sages of India.

So I set out for Sedona with my mom, curious of what this gathering with a guru would reveal, and keeping the details of my miserable LSD comedown to myself.

Mom’s friends Mark and Kim were the most mystical, cool couple- they were quiet, zen-like, unmarried but devoted to each other, and spent their time traveling to different countries sitting with spiritual teachers. I was completely in awe of them. As we hiked through the red rocks I listened intently while they discussed the concept of enlightenment.

We arrived at the satsang, found our way to a seat and settled in as the group began chanting mantras. Although I was too shy to sing out I listened & soaked up the safe feeling like a sponge.

The guru was seated facing everyone. Her eyes lit up at a young pretty woman in the front row who I guessed was a former student. They exchanged hellos…the 20 year old girl said she had just returned from living in a cave and was settling back into worldly life. Hearing this blew my 18 year old mind.

The guru began talking, though it seemed like she was simply channeling spontaneous messages and insights. She shared stories of hanging out with the Dalai Lama, offered us nuggets of wisdom to contemplate, and began answering people’s questions.

Suddenly something shifted in my vibrational field. I felt so safe with these old souls that the trauma of my LSD trip snuck up and stirred in me a throbbing emotional pain and confusion in my heart/ throat…just as luck would have it that feeling wanted to be released right then and there.

I tried to regulate the emotion with discipline and restraint but the attempt to hide was not working. People around me noticed and instantly showed compassion for the awkwardness of it. As the intensity bubbled inside me to the point I felt I might break a man gently leaned in and whispered lovingly “it’s ok to break.”

And that set me off…I broke…quite dramatically, so much so that the guru stopped and turned to me. The rest was kind of a blur…I asked her something about suffering in the body & did not feel satisfied with the answer so I got up & bolted out the door, sat outside sulking for the rest of the satsang.

When the satsang ended she walked out and sat with me. Her final words to me were: look up at a star and let it all sink in. Which made absolutely no sense.

But what did make sense was that gentle man telling me it’s ok to break, the loving support of those people. Being shown compassion by mature & evolved souls who had come so far on their spiritual trip that they were able to hold the animal/ emotional part of a teen coming down from her acid trip.

Experiences like this have happened repeatedly in my life to show me that life itself is the guru, not some person.

So often we put an expectation on that spiritual leader, that elder, that successful friend who moved to a big city, the worldly traveler, a new lover we admire, or anyone other than ourselves to solve the mystery of our life.

When in reality answers always come from our inner guru, and usually in a way we never expect.